I Suck …
So, I’ve been hiding something from you all. And it’s gotten to the point where if I don’t tell you the truth, I just don’t know how I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror anymore.
You see the truth is – I suck.
I mean, I REALLY suck.
And I’ve been embarrassed to admit it.
I’ve been scared what my clients will think. I’ve been scared it will drive people away. I’ve been scared people will think less of me.
But it’s time to own the truth.
I started Roller Derby in June of this year. I’d never roller skated before my first night of fresh meat … I had zero idea of how HARD it really was … for the first session, I hung on to the side in my mental rentals, scared to death of falling over. During the second session things actually got WORSE … I didn’t think it would have been possible to suck more, but somehow I managed it … on my second lap of the rink (some 15 minutes in) I very seriously considered leaving. I was almost in tears – I just felt like a total idiot, with all of these awesome, hot, kickarse chicks I admired so much skating around me. But I held on.
I’d like to say that this is a story of triumph – that I can now say I’m the greatest skater in the world and I rock … and in fact, my plan had been NOT to tell this story until that was the case. Story of triumph – Leela wins!
The fact is, it’s 6 months later and I’m still in Fresh Meat. Everyone I started with has either gone up a level (white star) or dropped out.
Last night – I failed my fourth white star test.
I cried. Not from sadness – from pure frustration.
It’s not like I’m not trying – I skate 3-4 times a week. My awesome PA Sarah, who many of you know, is a Derby girl and goes skating with me on Wednesdays, helping me with SO much stuff.
But I’m STILL not there.
And it’s embarrassing. And it sucks.
And then I feel dumb for being embarrassed because all of the derby girls are SUPER awesome and nice and supportive – no one gives me shit for sucking … quite the opposite – they’re SO helpful and supportive and loving.
I’ll admit – I’ve even thought about quitting. I’ve come up with a bunch of really good justifications that would allow me to walk away really easily.
My way of dealing with it has been to go all Leela on it – “RIGHT! THAT’S IT! I WILL PASS THE NEXT TEST!” – FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS – WORK WORK WORK – HUSTLE, BITCHES!!!!
Because that’s GOT to do it, right?
But I have a few physical limitations – years of sitting at my desk for 120 hours have screwed my mobility. I’m working on that with the awesome Bianca – but it’s not just a case of mind over matter. There are some things that are going to take me time to get better at, no matter how hard I push.
And then after my PT session this morning, after whinging about how much I suck, after feeling embarrassed for sucking so much, after berating myself about all the stuff I could have done better …
And I realised I had to be grateful.
My Skating Suckyness is a huge gift.
It’s shown me a huge chink in my armour.
My frustration is just a reflection of the comfort zone I’ve allowed myself to wallow in – hey! I’m good at business! Everything else doesn’t count!
It’s an attitude that’s annoyed me in others (no way! There was a MIRROR?!?) – particularly PTs I know who’ve had the attitude of “I’m fit – I don’t need to be good at business!”.
So today I’m actually feeling REALLY grateful for having failed over and over again. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have seen this gift – wouldn’t have seen the reflection of my own limiting belief. And wouldn’t have had this breakthrough to share with you.
So I admit it.
I SUCK at Skating.
But I’m getting better every day.
Every time I strap on those skates.
Every time I work out.
Every time I brave dealing with my own brain and turning up to training, even though I feel embarrassed.
I will not quit.
I will own this shit.
But – mainly, I will own and take control of my emotions around it.
I will see the mirror, I will happily and gratefully accept the gift.
And I will accept that deserving it is about more than just doing the physical work – it’s also about doing the emotional, mental and spiritual work.
So – what do YOU suck at?
Where’s the mirror?
What’s the gift?
How can you be immensely grateful for it?